I’ve been trying to type up a race report for Big Sur Marathon for hours. This came out instead. Race report will come eventually, but for now this is where my head is ‘til the ol’ dopamine levels return to normal. (At least I’m self-aware about my current state.)
There’s this lady I know who I’d really love to be better friends with, but sometimes I wonder if she even likes me at all.
I know she genuinely loves all of her other friends – she tries so hard to be good to them and to help them all with whatever they might need. I see how she looks for the best in everyone and every situation. I hear that she makes other people feel inspired and motivated, and I am so proud of her for that. I know her goal is to lift everyone else up.
But me? I don’t know what I did to her to warrant it, but she doesn’t treat me at all like anybody else she knows. I’m the only friend she compares negatively to others. I’m the one to whom she says unkind things and eyes critically. I’m the one she gets pissed at for missing goals or for not being flawless, even though I know she doesn’t give a rip about that stuff with any of the other people she hangs out with. I’m the one whose writing she picks apart, whose conversations she overanalyzes. She was such a jerk when I played roller derby. She’s pretty rough on me about the other sports and hobbies I enjoy, too. I don’t think anything I do is ever really good enough for her.
I try really hard to make her proud, to impress her, to show her I’m worth her time and affection. Sometimes she seems pleased with me, but then she almost always finds something in my actions or accomplishments to complain about after the initial pat on the back. She tells me to look better, to try harder, to do more, to be more.
I get that she just wants the best from me. I just wish she’d be more accepting and try to love me unconditionally instead of making me feel bad about not being as perfect as she’d prefer for me to be.
I may never run as fast or as gracefully as she wants me to. I may never accomplish all of the things that she demands of me. But if I could just get her to ease up a bit and to see all of the good in me, I think we’d really enjoy looking at each other in the mirror a lot more.
Wow. Thank you so much for this. My inner voice is such a bitch, I wish I knew how to please her. And thank you for sharing this!
I so love your self awareness! Beautifully written and expressed. Maybe she needs to be offered some grace so that she can in turn offer it to others?
Much love to you, my colorful Missy!
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